"Kathryn..." he whispered, but she didn't respond.

She didn't show up for duty the next day. Or the day after that. Or the day after that. Chakotay had tried several times to talk to her, to ask her why she left, but she didn't want to talk to him.

He was afraid, so afraid she would turn him down, once and for all. There were many reasons for them not to have a romantic relationship, but their situation differed so much from any normal circumstance. Dictating that, perhaps, they were each other's only chance of happiness.

Once they had been trapped together, on a planet much like Earth, but uninhabited. They had contracted a virus that their doctor had not been able to find a cure for. Their only chance of survival was to stay on the planet, together. Voyager had continued its journey toward Earth.

Kathryn had been relentlessly searching for a cure for their illness. She figured since they had contracted the virus on the planet, the cure must be there as well. Not for a single second had she accepted their destiny.

Things were different for Chakotay. At first it had been hard for him as well, to adjust to this new life, without his friends, his work, his colleagues. To give up their journey, accept this planet as their new home. But after several weeks, Chakotay started to embrace this new existence. Voyager had left them plenty of rations, shelter and equipment. They were living in relative luxury. And he had had Kathryn all to himself. And when it all boiled down to it, Kathryn was all he needed. He did everything he could to please her, to make her as happy being with him as he was being with her. When he thought he finally started to make ground with her, Voyager had come back for them. They found a cure. Part of him had been so angry, part of him was disappointed. He felt he had missed another chance to happiness.

But life went on. Kathryn had kept her distance for a while, he figured she needed to put her feelings back in order, needed to evaluate their relationship. He kept hoping for a reconciliation. And when finally he had gotten her in a somewhat romantic mood, and when finally they had kissed, she left. Again.

Four days later he received an incoming message on his computer console in his quarters. From Kathryn Janeway. It was a sound file, a song, no note. He told the computer to play the file.

Marlene watches from the wall
Her mocking smile says it all
She records the rise and fall
Of every soldier passing

But the only soldier now is me
I'm fighting things I cannot see
I think it's called my destiny
That I am changing

Even if I am in love with you
All this to say, what's it to you?
Observe the blood, the rose tattoo
Of the fingerprints on me from you

Other evidence has shown
That you and I are still alone
We skirt around the danger zone
And don't talk about it later

And I tried so hard to resist
When you held me in your handsome fist
And reminded me of the night we kissed
And of why I should be leaving

Marlene watches from the wall
Her mocking smile says it all
As she records the rise and fall
Of every man who's been here

But the only one here now is me
I'm fighting things I cannot see
I think it's called my destiny
That I am changing, changing, changing

He told the computer to play the file again. And again and again. Over and over again. Each time he heard the words and their meaning sank in to his brain, his heart broke a little more. Not only had he lost her, finally, totally, he had lost her to somebody else.

He could think of many reasons for them not to be together. Their ranks, their responsibilities, their destinies, their duties toward the ship and their crew. But not once, not ever, had he thought he could loose her to somebody else.

Not that hadn't been any other people in their lives, they had both had passing crushes, temporary flings, on passersby, aliens, visitors. But nothing had ever compromised what they had together.

He sent her a reply, asking, pleading, begging, for an explanation. Where had he gone wrong? Could they at least maintain their friendship? He needed to understand this, but most of all he needed to know to whom he had lost her.

He contemplated all the possibilities and discarded them one by one. Harry, too young, he was more her son than anything else. Tuvok, although a dear friend, was married and no doubt faithful to his wife. Tom was with B'Elanna and he knew Kathryn would never interfere, even if Tom was who she wanted. One of the lower ranked officers perhaps, but he couldn't remember ever seeing her spending much time with any of them.

She invited him over to her quarters the next day after his duty shift. He hadn't seen her since that night and when he entered her quarters and saw her, dressed in a simple green gown, hair hanging loosely on her shoulders, his heart sank a little lower still. His goddess, his muse, his salvation. How could he go on knowing she would never be his?

She invited him to sit down, offered him a drink. Her voice soft and warm, of the many things he loved about her, that voice had always been on of the most important ones.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I should have ended this a long time ago. But I didn't want to hurt you, so I kept pushing it forward until it was too late. Things should never have gotten to this, Chakotay."

He nodded. He swallowed hard, trying to push down the lump in his throat. "Who's Marlene?" he asked, he simply had to know.

"It doesn't matter," she answered, "I haven't told 'Marlene' how I feel. It's purely something that is happening inside me. It just made me realize what I needed to do."

She needed to break things up with him, so there would be room in her life for somebody else. He knew these things, but couldn't accept them. He kept mulling over the possibilities in his brain, there had to be a way, some way, to win Kathryn back.

"Is there any chance 'Marlene' feels the same way about you?"

He couldn't even imagine somebody not loving Kathryn, to him that was an impossibility.

"I don't know."

"But why, why give up what we have, Kathryn, for something that may never be?"

"If anything, it has showed me what was missing between us, Chakotay. There is no spark, there never was, at least not for me. We were pushed together by fate, not drawn together by chemistry."

Chakotay tried to push away the tears stinging his eyes, his feelings so hurt by her words. He had been in love with her ever since he first lay eyes on her. The loss of his ship, their being lost here in the Delta Quadrant, all the hardships they had suffered, it had all been worth it because it enabled him to be with her. It had brought Kathryn in his life.

"Who is it, Kathryn? For the sake of our friendship, won't you tell me?"

"It doesn't matter, Chakotay, stop beating yourself up over this. You need to let go of us, the idea of us. I'm sorry, I never wanted to hurt you like this. I hope you can forgive me."

He nodded again, feeling like a fool. All he wanted was to compete with the other guy and win Kathryn back. He wanted to scream, he wanted to shake Kathryn up, tell her to forget the other man, there was only him, how could she not see that, why was she so foolish, so stubborn, they could overcome this, they could overcome anything, as long as they were together, they...

His train of though was interrupted by Kathryn.

"You can take as much personal time as you need, until you feel able to perform your duties again. We will still have to work as a team, and I understand that will not be easy for you. I hope you can find a way."

Her words cut through him like a knife. Cold, calculated, distant. Her eyes telling him he was dismissed, he may leave her alone now. He slowly turned and left her quarters.

And he still didn't know who Marlene was.

It took him months to let go of his obsession with Kathryn and the man who stole her heart. Even though he had resumed duty within a week after their break-up, it had been with a rock in place of his heart. Shutting himself off completely to feeling anything at all was the only way for him to function. From time to time Kathryn had glanced at him, her face worried, her eyes once again filled with guilt. He knew she felt bad about hurting him, but that didn't make his pain any less.

Slowly, he had regained his feelings, started caring again about the things that were happening around him. He could manage a smile once and again, he could manage caring about others, showing compassion toward their puny little problems, as long as he didn't think about The Other.

Until Kathryn showed up on the bridge one day with a bright smile around her lips, her cheeks glowing, her eyelids thick from lack of sleep, but a bright sparkle in her beautiful blue eyes more than making up for it. It didn't take a genius to figure out what she had been doing last night. He knew he should be happy for Kathryn, he hadn't seen her beaming like this ever before. She was charged with energy, ready to take on anything that might come their way.

But he just felt anger. How could she, how could she, how could she... How dare she be happy when he was so miserable. He swallowed away the ball of fury forming in his throat and managed to sit through the first hour of his duty shift with Kathryn, until the morning briefing. He planned to excuse himself after the briefing and spend some time on the holodeck with his boxing program. More than anything he wanted to beat somebody up.

Kathryn waited for everybody to sit down before she started talking. There was one empty chair on the other side of the table, normally occupied by Seven of Nine. Chakotay briefly wondered where she was, realizing that the punctual Borg was never late. But he had already forgotten about her again, concentrating instead on his growing anger, when she entered the room five minutes later. Her presence seemed to charge the room more than usual, something had changed about her. He turned his gaze back toward Kathryn and one look on her face told him all he needed to know. All he had wanted to know ever since she sent him that sound file.

Chakotay felt his anger subsiding, being replaced slowly with astonishment. Seven of Nine? Was this a joke? This girl who was in so may ways still six years old? Of course Kathryn had always seen something in her that nobody else could. And Seven was the only one who dared defy Kathryn's command. He looked back and forth from Seven to Kathryn, the almost tangible radiation between them made not only him uncomfortable, he noticed everybody else shifting in their chairs as well.
Chakotay felt a weight being lifted from his shoulders, suddenly he felt like himself again. And he knew what he had to do.

He stood up and spoke.

"Captain," he nodded toward Kathryn, then turned his gaze to the other side of the table, "Seven, I think I speak for all of us when I say, congratulations. It is not often that two people find each other that were meant to be together. You will no doubt have to face many difficult moments together, but I hope you will find a way to overcome them and find true happiness. You deserve each other."

People nodded, mumbled in agreement, extended their congratulations.

And he knew Kathryn's warm smile was all he had ever needed.

Marlene on the wall, lyrics by Suzanne Vega, 1985